This post is a collaboration of my own experiences of motherhood and experiences of those around me.
As the Mother of a Toddler, it would be quite easy to get offended on a daily basis. Oh, that's different from the usual motherhood walking in meadows, my life will never be the same a gain mush you're used to hearing? Well yeah, it is but it's also the truth.
It would be quite easy to get offended when your Toddler refuses the food you've so lovingly and tenderly prepared for them. By refuse, I don't mean a simple "No Mamma", I mean full blown thrown it all over the walls, floor, table (you've just cleaned) smeared it in your hair, eyes anywhere on your body within their grubby little reach - not to mention their hair, eyes, ears and belly button.
Me: "Awwww poor darling, don't you like the yummy scrummy lasagne mamma made for you?
Using all the healthy ingredients she could find so you'll grow up big and strong? One more mouth full, please?"
You calmly remove the lasagne and spittle from your face with a baby wipe.
Don't spit, it's naughty. Mamma likes it when you eat all your dinner and don't spit it on mummy's face."
*spits on mummy's face again.
Your beautiful angelic Toddler is laughing at you.
Me: "Ok, what would you like to eat?"
Toddler: "Yog yog."
Me: "You're not having another yogurt today, you've had forteen yogurts already."
Three different meals later and Toddler, you and the entire kitchen is covered in a) the first nutritious/healthy and probably organic meal. B) the back up plan meal - the trusty beans or cheese on toast and finally C) the meal you never thought you'd give your Toddler or daren't admit to feeding your Toddler- chicken nuggets/fish fingers & chips.
All failed miserably.
You're emotionally drained.
"Ok, yogurt it is then."
Toddler 1 :Mamma 0.
It would also be incredibly easy to get offended when sharing a loving tender moment with your Toddler, when lets be frank? They're few and far between nowadays.
Just at the crucial point where you feel your heart will explode with loving admiration.
"Can mummy have a kiss?"
And... You're met with more spit, a smack around the chops or a trump. Delivered with tender loving care by theirs truly.
Toddler 2 :Mamma 0.
It would be perfectly acceptable to take offence to but you're "not supposed to" when you've spent hours amusing your Toddler with interactive play. Then, they are quite happily amusing themselves with one of their thousand toys in the other room and you think? Now might be a good time to use the toilet.
Please consider this child has had you worried on more than one occasion that they could be hard of hearing. Many a time you've asked something you know they understand and nothing?!
I swear, I think he/she could have a hearing problem.
But the minute you stealthy close the bathroom door. Quiet as a mouse. Oh they hear you alright.
"It's ok, Mamma's just having wee, wee. One minute and she'll come out"
You live in fear your neighbours will call the NSPCC because it's just not normal for a child to be able to reach those decibels. Seriously, they've just broken the sound barrier.
You open the door, whilst still on the loo, a task in itself and proceed to wee with your Toddler sat on your knee.
"Mamma, wee wee."
"Yes, mamma wee, wee."
Toddler 3 :Mamma 0.
It would be a certainty that you'd be offended by your Toddler never letting you get ready. Ever. You try everything to occupy them. For goodness sake, it used to take you over an hour to get ready. Now, you've got it down to a personal best of ten minutes. You just need ten minutes. Ten minutes of stopping your Toddler from putting the roll on deodorant on their tongue or from spraying the hair spray in their eyes.
Oh well I'll just walk around looking like a homeless person who doesn't have time to bathe. Heroin Chic's in, right?
Don't be offended though because to your Toddler you're beautiful, you are the centre of their whole world.
You know this because the minute they wake up in the morning, they beam you a big grin and shout
You're the first thing on his mind.
(And the devil himself winces that your Toddler is awake) you're not alone, this IS the terrible two's that everyone warmed you about and you'll both get by relatively unscathed.