The article was about the fifteen things you shouldn't say to these women, as I read them, I realised, I had said more than a few of them in conversations to women who'd told me they didn't want children. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to those women, first hand.
The ones, I'm guilty of saying are.
1) But you'd make such beautiful children.
2) You'll change your mind when ...you meet the right man, you're more settled, financially secure etc
3) You'd feel differently, if you had them..
4) It's the most special thing in the world.
5) I wasn't fulfilled until I had children.
I've probably said a few more too. In my attempt to say something kind to these women, what I was actually doing was making it more awkward.
The 'mother' and the 'non mother' are afraid to offend each other by concluding they have nothing in common. Even by using the term 'non' in 'non mother' it's like I'm taking something away from those women. The truth is, having children isn't the be all and end all and anyone who says it is... Is lying.
What I should have said and will say in the future is... "That's fine. I get it, I totally get it."
Some people have other interests/pursuits rather than starting a family.
Do I regret my decision to have a child? No. Are there moments when I crave for the freedom of a child free existence? Absolutely.
I miss sleep the most. I miss my eyes pre crows feet, and pre this nervous twitch I've developed in my left eye. when I've had a particularly bad night, my left eye twitches. I look insane. At work, when people are talking to me and I can feel my eye starting to twitch, I can see them...slowly moving away, as if I'm about to lash out and attack them in some kind mental/psychotic breakdown. I'd be embarrassed but I'm too tired to care. I miss having the time to groom myself - dry shampoo has become my saving grace. There is no time to tame this mane everyday with a screaming 19 month old - tearing the place down. I'm not saying all women without children have time to do these things or even care about doing these things (probably too busy saving the world or doing some other amazing cause - worthy of a noble peace prize.) but these are the things, that I personally miss.
It may not be a question of 'not a good time' for these women. They probably no it's just not for them. Another term we assign to these women is 'not maternal'. This is cruel. These women can be a thousand things... but we put a blanket over all of that and call them 'non maternal'. It's usually associated with negative connotations too, like being 'non maternal' is a bad thing or there is something wrong with that. It definitely isn't and shouldn't be thought of as negative. Often these women are maternal, they care. Maternal means to have the characteristics of a mother. When I think of a mother I think of many things, protector, carer (very often) provider, teacher but mostly strong. I believe most women, whether or not they actually have a child - possess these feminine attributes.
In my first blog when I said mothers should unite, I meant women should unite. Whatever their decision or choice. Let's not meet them with negativity, there is nothing wrong with them or their choice.
So next time when a woman tells you that they don't want children, don't assume anything, just say..."It's fine. I get it. I totally get it."
Them ask them about their interests and show them that you have more to you than just your mother status. You have an identity and interests too, as well as being a mother.
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